The Presidents Of The United States … RANKED

President’s Day! It’s the day of the year when we celebrate anyone who’s ever been commander in chief of this great nation, no matter who they are or what they look like. 

Whether fair-skinned, a beige-pink mix, pale with a peachy hue, or Barack Obama — you’re our president! 

But who’s the best president? And who’s the worst?

“Andy, that’s subjective. Right?”

Let me answer your question with another question. How does it feel to be more wrong than you’ve ever been in your entire life?

There is a definitive ranking of our nation’s past presidents. And it lies right below this sentence.

44. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850)

Pure garbage, this guy. Insisted that everyone pronounce his name “Zatch.” Yeah, just super douchey. Also single-handedly responsible for Zachery Ty Bryan and Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ careers. That’s in the history books. His nickname was “Old Rough And Ready” … let’s just leave it at that.

43. Martin Van Buren (1837-1841)

42. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921)

41. James K. Polk (1845-1849)

40. John Tyler (1841-1845)

39. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881)

38. George W. Bush (2001-2009)

37. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933)

36. George H. W. Bush (1989-1993)

35. Gerald Ford (1974-1977)

My grandpa always said he knew Ford growing up, which was inevitably followed up by, “Son of a bitch still owes me money.” Man looked good smoking a pipe, though.

34. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869)

33. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837)

32. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857)

31. James Madison (1809-1817)

30. James Buchanan (1857-1861)

29. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893)

Ben Harrison trying to be William Henry Harrison. Dude, you think you’re anything like “Old Tippecanoe” Harrison? My friend, you’re no Bill Harrison. 

28. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877)

27. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889 — first time around)

26. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989)

25. George Washington (1789-1797)

24. Chester Arthur (1881-1885)

23. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853)

The original MILF. “Millard I Like-A-Frank-Foreign-Policy-Discussion-With Fillmore.”

22. Bill Clinton (1993-2001) 

21. John Adams (1797-1801)

20. James Monroe (1817-1825)

19. Harry S. Truman (1945-1953)

18. Warren G. Harding (1921-1923)

The least rapping of history’s Warren Gs, but if my Kansas School Board-approved history book is correct, Harding was still a force to be reckoned with in the world of hip hop. Also Sri Lanka’s premiere curling superstar.

17. William McKinley (1897-1901)

16. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969)

15. William Henry Harrison (1841)

14. John Quincy Adams (1825-1829)

13. James A. Garfield (1881)

12. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981)

11. Barack Obama (2009-present)

10. Richard Nixon (1969-1974)

Just an all-around great person. He cared so much about the office of president that he often recorded his conversations with people so that future generations could listen and see what a lovable guy he was. His secret dream was to own a chain of hotels. 

9. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809)

8. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961)

7. Grover Cleveland (1893-1897 — second time around)

6. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963)

5. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929)

4. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909)

3. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945)

2. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865)

1. William Howard Taft (1909-1913)

This is a no-brainer. Taft was a president, chief justice and walrus. Scholars say Taft would appear before Congress and yell, “I am the Walrus!” just because he could. And that’s where John Lennon got the idea for the song, being a massive fan of U.S. President William Howard Taft.