Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Don’t ask me if I’ve seen a new movie.

I have four little girls.

If there wasn’t a singing princess in it, the answer is no.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2016

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 12, 2016

I didn’t win the PowerBall, but my kids let me sleep until 8am, which is basically the same thing.

— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 10, 2016

If you enjoy the sound a speaker makes when it’s too close to a microphone, then having children might be for you.

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) January 13, 2016

To those people thinking of having kids, I’d say:

Think again.

— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) January 13, 2016

80% of parenting is running out of the bathroom with your pants around your ankles yelling, “Don’t climb on that!”

— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) January 11, 2016

Kid 1 crawls: baby book, FB, 2k pics

Kid 2: 3 pics

Kid 3: *crawls across house, grabs keys & drives off into the night while I’m on phone

— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 14, 2016

“Put all the weapons away and clean up any mess or blood you spilled in the basement.”
– How I let the kids know their playdate is over

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) January 13, 2016

The falling temperature is inversely proportional to the amount of time it takes my kids to walk from the door to the car.

— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) January 13, 2016

Me: [Holding two identical things]

3yo: That one. NO! That one. NO! That one. [repeat 10,000 times]

5yo: No fair. He got the good one.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 11, 2016

My kids’ coughs are at their most dramatic & severe the second I ask them how they’re feeling before leaving for school.
It’s Awards Season.

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 12, 2016

If my kid asks you what you’re dressing up as for Valentine’s Day just go with it ok? It’s been a long day.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 11, 2016

Becoming a parent is like being at a great party & then someone puts a blindfold on u & starts swinging the bat at u instead of the piñata

— Toulouse and Tonic (@toulouseNtonic) January 14, 2016

Kids: Yay!!! A Snow Day.

Parents: Shit…. a snow day.

— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) January 12, 2016

“The sooner they learn to drive, the sooner they can drive me around!” I shout as I teach one 6yo to steer and the other to work the pedals.

— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) January 13, 2016

If you build it, they will come just like if my kids touch it, it will be destroyed.

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) January 12, 2016

The school just called. Instead of picking up I googled BEST CRIMINAL DEFENSE STRATEGIES FOR 6-YR-OLDS. Now I’m prepared for the voicemail.

— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) January 13, 2016

So nice of my 3yo to crawl into bed at 6:15 so she could kick me in the back and fart on me. #mondays

— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) January 11, 2016

My phone autocorrected “trainwreck” to “trainwreck mom” & now I need to find out which child is responsible for this.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 15, 2016

My 4 yr old son told me I look cute in my shirt. So of course I let him eat fruit snacks for breakfast. It was a win win for both of us.

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) January 14, 2016

Me: What’s some good advice for kids?
3y/o: Don’t eat paper.
Me: No?
3y/o: It makes you throw up.

Feel free to add to your parenting manual

— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) January 15, 2016

I highly recommend having a 14yo around if you enjoy having everything you say met with, “UGHHHHH.”

— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) January 14, 2016