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Stacey Dash
Rob Kim/Getty Images
On Wednesday, life-sized human Bratz doll Stacey Dash found her way to a television studio. Flabbergasted that a human Bratz would have the wherewithal and agency to walk into a television studio, the people at the studio began filming her, hoping, perhaps, to capture a miracle. And then, while being filmed, she opened her mouth. And then words came out of her mouth. Sentences, even! Words such as, “If we don’t want segregation, then we need to get rid of channels like BET and the BET Awards and the [NAACP] Image Awards,” and “There shouldn’t be a black history month.”
Immediately, the words that came out of this human Bratz doll’s mouth were replayed, repeated and roundly ridiculed. Mainly because this human Bratz looks and sounds and acts so human that her thoughts about race and racism are taken seriously. Well, not seriously seriously. But as if an actual human said them.
Remarkably, this—the doll speaking ridiculous words and us (humans) reacting to those words—has happened before. Which, when you think about it, is really a testament to the people at Bratz for creating such an anatomically correct doll. Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, then you must be a human Bratz doll called “Stacey Dash.”
OK, OK, OK, OK. I’ll admit it. I’m just kidding. Stacey Dash is not a human Bratz doll. She is, in fact, a human being, with (presumably) a social security number and (presumably) independent thoughts. It’s just so damn easy to believe that she might not actually be a grown human woman—particularly, a grown, human black woman—because the things that escape her mouth are so consistently and hilariously elementary that you can’t help but suspect there’s a 7-year-old Geppetto in a bedroom somewhere controlling her thoughts and actions with a surprisingly sophisticated remote control.
Again, she is not a Bratz. Which begs the question: How did this happen? Why is Stacey Dash so stupid? How did a grown, human black woman come to act and sound and think like a human Bratz doll? Who is responsible for this happening?
I don’t have any answers. But I do have some theories.
It’s no secret that Stacey Dash is considered by many people to be an extremely physically attractive woman. She’s appeared on countless magazine covers, has been named on countless lists of the most attractive women in Hollywood and legitimately appears to be ageless. Just as Morgan Freeman has been 75 for 25 years, Stacey Dash has been 25 for 25 years. I am one of those “many,” as her airport run in Kanye West’s “All Falls Down” video remains the third-most transfixing thing I’ve ever seen on screen. But the stark dichotomy between her outward appearance and what appears to be inside of her brain makes me think that someone made a mistake when creating her, and that “someone” happens to be God. Of course, I don’t know this for certain, but I think this might have happened: When God is creating people, they pass through two factories, the looks factory and the brains factory. God typically attempts to give people a somewhat equal amount of both. But when Stacey Dash came through the conveyor belt of the looks factory, God got distracted—maybe Jesus or Tupac were in the kitchen burning toast again—and God left her in the looks factory too long. And, by the time He realized His mistake, He had to rush her through the brains factory so the line wouldn’t get backed up.
2. She made a deal with a witch.
Maybe you don’t believe in God. But maybe you do believe in witches. If so, it’s not particularly difficult to envision a scenario where a 12-year-old Stacey Dash encountered a witch on the way to middle school and the witch granted her eternal beauty on the condition that her brain stays 12 years old. And she accepted. And you can’t really blame her for this, because who wouldn’t? If the 12-year-old me happened to happen upon a witch on the way to school, I totally would have taken, I don’t know, world-class athleticism if it meant I had to keep my 12-year-old brain. (Which, apparently, is the deal Pacman Jones took.)
3. It’s a conspiracy to rid the world of Staceys.
There are two common ways of spelling Stacey. Stacey with an “e” and Stacy without the “e.” There’s also no good reason why two spellings of this name should exist. Perhaps someone named Stacy with a lot of power and waaaaaaaay too much free time realized this (Stacy Keach, perhaps?), and programmed Stacey Dash to be an abject idiot so no parent would ever think to name their daughter (or son) Stacey again.
4. Stacey Dash isn’t actually stupid. She just has an exceedingly rare inverse astigmatism that causes a color-blindness that makes her see black as white and white as black.
If this is true, everything she’s said about race makes perfect sense. Because if she sees white people as black, of course she’d believe that there’s no need for BET or Black History Month or Ebony magazine or The Root! Of course she’d wonder why black people needed all this extra stuff, when black people already make up the majority. Of course she’d make so many appearances on Fox News. She probably thought she was at an Earth, Wind & Fire concert or a Kappa cabaret.
Again, if this is true—and I have no reason to believe it’s not—it’s deeply, terribly tragic and we all owe her an apology. If you’re reading this, Stacey Dash, I’m sorry for thinking you were a life-sized Bratz doll or just really, really, really stupid.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
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