Donald Trump, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, speaks in New York May 3, 2016, following his primary victory in Indiana.
JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images
Ted Cruz is a senator from Texas who was a candidate for the Republican nomination for president of the United States until dropping out of the race Tuesday. He is also maybe (probably) a Komodo dragon wearing a human’s skin suit and maybe (probably) a serial killer.
Yes, he really dropped out of the race Tuesday.
No, I was asking about the other stuff. Is he really a 6-foot lizard in a human skin suit and a probable murderer?
Let me put it this way: Do I know, with 100 percent certainty, that he murdered three people in a Applebee’s bathroom in 2011, left a note that said, “This wasn’t clean. I’ll be better next time,” and sat down and finished his three-cheese chicken cavatappi? No, I do not. But I do not know, with 100 percent certainty, that he didn’t do that either. All I know is that this motherf–ker probably has a history of violence.
With Cruz dropping out, doesn’t that mean Donald Trump is now the presumptive nominee?
Are you planning on moving to Canada like many others have threatened to do if Trump is elected?
I would definitely move to Canada. Toronto is one of my three favorite cities. It’s basically a smaller, safer and kinder New York City with 80 percent less smells and 640 percent less roaches. It’s the Lupita Nyong’o of North American cities.
But, I wouldn’t be moving there because of Trump.
So you’re not frightened by the idea of him being president?
So you don’t care if he’s president?
Oh, I definitely do care. Hillary Clinton, who will probably be the Democratic nominee, seems to be as authentic and trustworthy as Chipotle grits, but I’d vote for her 137,879,892 times before I voted for Trump. S–t, I’d vote for the Chipotle grits before Trump. At least you could use them to cauterize wounds.
You care, but you don’t seem to be all that concerned. At least not concerned enough to be frightened or to move to another country.
Why aren’t you frightened or scared enough to move?
I don’t believe he’s actually going to win. But even if he does, well … let me say this.
Remember when author Terry McMillan married Jonathan Plummer? And everyone was like “Hmm … um … are we sure he’s, you know?” And then, years later, he came out the closet, to the surprise of exactly zero people? (NTTAWWT, of course.)
Well, I feel the same way with Donald Trump. Not that he’s going to come out the closet as a Bornean orangutan. (Although that’s still on the table.) Just that I’m not at all surprised that someone like him could receive such support and advance so far. As ugly as the racist, sexist, jingoistic and tribalist vitriol spewed by his supporters happens to be, he’s merely exposing a side of America with which we (black people) are very familiar. Perhaps the depths of the ignorance and hate are still somewhat unnerving, but that it actually exists? We’d be more shocked if it didn’t. You call it a “Trump rally.” We call it “Tuesday at work.”
Trump winning would tell me absolutely nothing about America that I didn’t already know.
You sound quite pessimistic about America.
I wouldn’t call it pessimism. I do love many things about this country, including, but not limited to ,the audacity of a nation that still says, “Nah, I’m good” to the metric system just because we feel like it.
But a benefit of existing as a black person here is that you’re granted with the privilege of perfect vision. There are no rose-colored glasses; no mirrors reflecting unrealistically flattering angles. The reality of our condition has made us see America for what it actually is, not what it wants to convince us it is.
Even if the hate and the ignorance aren’t easily seen, they’re always felt and respected. Like gravity. And, like gravity, forgetting for even one moment that it’s always there with rules and regulations that need to be acknowledged and adhered to can kill you.
Perhaps some people see Trump and see a sea change. I see the same water. Just in a glass now—exposed and open—instead of a bottle.
So you won’t be moving to Canada?
