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Cam Newton
Grant Halverson/Getty Images
In the book of Genesis, God—apparently fed up with humans for acting like … humans—decided to start humanity from scratch by flooding the entire earth. Which proves, again, that God is truly the alpha and the omega of everything. Including being petty.
Humanity eventually recovered from this flood. Thanks in large part to Noah, who was aware the flood was coming and prepared for it; saving his family and countless animals from drowning to death because God was kinda annoyed.
Noah was smart. And it would behoove us to be as smart as Noah because another great flood is coming and we will all die, too, if we’re not prepared.
On Sunday, the Denver Broncos will play the Carolina Panthers in the Super Bowl. The Carolina Panthers feature a fearsome defense and, in Cam Newton, perhaps the most physically gifted quarterback to ever play. They are favored to win. And, if the rest of the season to this point is any indication, Cam Newton will do Cam Newton things. These include smiling, dapping, dabbing, dancing, preening, talking, laughing, scoring, dominating and, of course, winning. There is a considerable chance that, if they win, he will be named MVP.
And if all of this happens—and, again, there’s a considerable chance that it will—we will encounter a downpour of white tears that’ll rival any rain that has ever fallen on the earth’s soil. The skyeth will open uppeth, and downwardth will the salty tears bounceth on our heads. Streets and fields alike will be overcometh; no one—man nor beast; fair nor foul—will be saved. We may all expire in the white tears tempest.
Of course, it doesn’t have to be this way. We do not all have to perish under the avalanche of sodium-infused white tears that will rain from the skies if the Panthers win and Newton performs well. Especially since we’re very aware already of Newton’s preternatural ability to induce them. Anyone who awakens Monday morning foolish enough to be unprepared for the flood probably deserves to succumb to it.
Anyway, if you are a smart person and you do feel the need to prepare but don’t know how, here are a few things you might be able to do to give yourself a better chance of surviving the great flood.
I know, I know, I know. It’s already Thursday afternoon. You have happy-hour plans today, day-party plans Saturday, and Netflix and “OK, you brought General Tso’s shrimp, so I guess you can spend the night tonight” plans Saturday night. When will you even have the time to build an ark in such a short period of time?
To answer that, I advise that you do what I do whenever I need something built in a short period of time:
A. If you’re a woman, go to Home Depot by yourself but dressed like you’re going to a day party hosted by Idris Elba. Then, walk the aisles of Home Depot looking like you need help.
B. If you’re a man, find a woman—a wife, a girlfriend, a co-worker, a cousin, a barista at the corner coffeehouse—to go to Home Depot with you and have her dress like she’s going to a day party hosted by Idris Elba. Then, separate from her in the store and have her walk the aisles looking like she needs help.
If you do this, each of the 25 male Home Depot workers working that day—people who can’t be found literally any other time—will converge on her, offering to find, lift and build anything she needs found, lifted or built. And then your ark will be built.
When the flood comes, I imagine you’ll have to do some walking on foot before you get to an ark or some elevated land. While doing this walking, it would be nice if, instead of using untied Tims to coordinate with tapered jeans and making quasi-bougie black girls swoon, they were actually used for their intended purpose: to protect black feet from white tears.
3. Go anywhere other than America.
As hard as this can be to grasp for many Americans—conditioned to believe the world revolves around what happens on our soil—no one outside of America really gives a damn about the Super Bowl. So while American streets and fields and farms will be flooded if the Panthers win, you’ll be perfectly dry in Denmark. Or Botswana.
4. Just stay off the Internet and talk radio for a while.
In Exodus, the angel of the Lord passed over houses marked by the blood of the lamb. The people in the marked houses were saved from death; an act that further proved that God wasn’t just petty, he was petty, emotional and creative. Basically, the entire Old Testament is God being Drake.
Fortunately, the “Great Flood of White Tears of the Monday After the Super Bowl” will provide another way for those willing to save themselves to mark themselves.
Most of these tears will be shed on Facebook, Twitter, message boards, talk-radio shows, newspaper columns and newspaper letters to the editor. And all you have to do to protect yourself from the flood is just stay off the Internet for a week. Also, if you happen to work in an office where tears are likely to be shed, just stay away from break rooms and water coolers for a week, too. You don’t want to think everything is cool and get your unsuspecting self swept away by a sudden, white tears tsunami.
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